I truly feel like I am living life for the first time, not just staring over. At 27 I never thought getting a fresh start would feel like being reborn. When I was packing up my bags and secretly moving out of my ex’s house in the dead of night (yeah, it was that bad) I thought things would go back to how they were before I had moved in with them. I was surprised to find that that was not what my path forward looked like.
This is not my first time starting over. I left my childhood home with no intention of returning at 17, and with the single thought of “I survived my expiration date… now what?” That does not an intentional life make. I took the logical next step of pursuing my high school major in college because I liked it enough and I was good at it. That lead to me moving states for the first job offer I received post-graduation, jumping at the chance for yet another fresh start. I thought leaving this relationship and the place I was living would be similar, same me different setting. I could not have been more wrong.
I am changed, in a lot of ways.
Part of this change is knowing that I cannot go back into a relationship like that, knowing who I am and what I like, want, and need and not compromising on those things is key to that goal. But in starting this journey I have discovered that I’m rooting this out in places I would never have thought. My people pleasing goes far beyond my relationships, it lives in keeping gifts I never liked, going with “easy” choices, avoiding decisions, and in being always available.
So, we see the problem, we have named it, and pointed at where it shows up. Now what am I doing about it?
Taking Back Control
This probably sounds obvious, but I promise it wasn’t. Taking ownership and control over myself is a novel concept for me.
Do I actually like this? Am I agreeing to this because it’s easy? Am I having fun? Is there something else I would rather be doing? I have to take an intentional pause to check in with myself and ask these questions, because the I am so used to just going along for the ride. That is simply no way to live life. In this pause I give myself a moment to actually feel what is happening within, and create an opportunity to own my own happiness, comfort, and wellbeing. No thank you, I need to head out, I’d prefer…, all become possible in that pause.
After years of allowing others to control what I do in an effort to please them, I can pause and put myself back under my own control. How neat is that!
Taking Up Space
Taking up space in my own life is challenging. Making myself small is second nature, and that includes in my own home. On the few occasions I have lived alone my space was governed by shoulds and easiests, and living with others nothing was ever my own.
My current sanctuary, always dubbed “The Hawk’s Nest” is a tiny studio apartment. In the rush of my move I did not have time to declutter. I packed my cat up gently and shoved everything into bags and boxes as quickly and quietly as I could, and left it for myself to sort through later.
As I have unpacked into my new space I realized how much of myself I packed away, both physically and mentally. Here in this new space I hung my art on the walls of the living room along with my family photos, I hung shelves to store and display the things I love. I am slowly covering every surface in things that bring me joy, but to make room for the joy I have to let go of a lot of things.
I brought a lot of baggage with me to this space. I have already donated an entire trash bag of clothing, and will be donating more. I donated stuffed animals that have been packed away since I moved states 4 years ago. There is so much more. Gifts I was given and kept out of obligation, items amassed by a version of myself that no longer exists (looking at you bandanna phase), things I didn’t realize I had 20 of, and so much more.
This is my space, my life, and my brain. I get to choose what takes up space here.
Reclaiming My Time
Time is another area I am working on. Not only was my schedule always at the mercy of others, I found things like scrolling and needing to be up on the latest news and events intruding on my time in a way that felt like it was ruling me not the other way around.
To counteract my volunteering of free time, I am scheduling non-negotiable rest and leisure. It isn’t free-time, it’s a date with whatever craft I am working on, my favorite show, a video game session, I have plans with myself.
A Note From the Editor
—-juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu 4wqiiiiiiiiiii9cccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc
tydoeslife 
Leave a comment